ANTI-ANAPHORA: pt.1 - тя

Oh it's holy and sweet

sugared opium, forbidden,

linden honey and half-asleep dream

while I'm nodding right out of my body machine.

Mother, forgive me.

It is sex and it's sweat,

it's pure love, euphoria,

pandemonium, deliria

and I miss it

oh, I miss it.

I'll probably never be happy again,

she took that ability with her.

AVALANCHE

Veloflaxin, pregabalin, diazepam

gabapentin, b-complex, clonazepam

trittico and magnesium

ketoprofene and deliriums

and all the mint extract in the damn world,

sometimes I'm so slow I can't find my words.

pills on me

white ellipse-shaped avalanche

put more pills on me,

better than the old syringe

better than a white line,

better than half-naked high ass videos online

better than a life in hell,

wake up, get pills, then hide well

from the world, your mom, your friends

say goodbye, yeah, make amends

I'll probably never see you again

yeah, I'll probably never see you again.

I'm laughing, my first time 

in years,

that raspy laugh

costs so many tears.

And I love her

На висок бряг, черна скала

русалка-сирена люби мъртва жена

между сини пръсти - ципи, плува с тях -

във вуди си, с леден бяс

тюркоази, бисери и светещ прах -

пясък в косите ѝ,

дебели плитки, бели като сняг.

Губят ред блясъка на лудите вълни

на жената под воала тъмните коси

тя е мъртва от луна поне,

но наядата я люби и не вярва, че

тя никога не ще отвори сините очи

мисли си: не, не, тя спи

И диша в устните ѝ, бълва думи страстни

"събуди се, мила моя" между ласки

а тя променя се, лицето се подува

дни и нощи нимфата седи

гледайки любимата и мислейки

така до нея ще си ти:

Умри. Умри. Умри.

AFRAID

I remember you well from the Chelsea hotel

'xcept I don't as my memory's fucked up

I did so many things just the wrong way

I regret most of it, both a soul piercing

a scar to remember it

yet a badge on my ego, bare decoration

on a self-centered conscience.

I'm ashamed, but it's so deep

my consciousness barely reaches

and I'm so afraid it won't teach me.

Is it wisdom in the making

or am I just the shithead

a shit king, a shitty

lover and daughter, dog mother

a sell-soul, a damn fool

but I'm not, I did it all so smart

I played you,

all that have loved me are damned souls

I am the Mastermind, God, I swear

a drug baroness 

the soil of me - barrenness

all pretty, hair teased and slicked back

latex and platforms and crack

yet both my eyes blue and black

they whisper, the scene "oh, she's back"

while I kiss on your girlfriend

and never get smacked,

lacker and slacker, whip-cracker

and I'd always want darker.

I wanted it darker, God,

not you

a marker of fucked up

now you

want me a changed girl

so come get it.

I'd laugh in your face, ask for three wishes;

spend them on drugs, watch how your jaw clinches;

get a taste of my boot, I'll always be like this;

slackerbitch, faghag, whore

just another fucking junkie, all that

I don't think I'll change, ask what

I'll do in a year, yeah even God don't know,

and answer is

lose control.

Always.

And anyways, send me

some tits to look at, a dick to suck at

some smack for the veins and

some crack for the bitches,

here are my three wishes,

believe this:

I'm angry

at all I did

and I feel helpless

so I keep at it.

НО Я НЯМА

моето момиче бере рози релсите

моето момиче вика на битака

моето момиче яде листа злато

моето момиче 

пълни дома ни с кокичета

моето момиче търси вени -

държи турникет-чорапогащник

моето момиче рисува мои портрети

моето момиче се къпе в морето

в лавандулов бански и синьо небе

моето момиче пие вино с опиум

моето момиче шмърка от "Дас Капитал"

моето момиче-маргаритка

с индигови коси, с вплетени венци

моето момиче си лежи

заклевам се, че спи

но я няма.

Но я няма.

 ANTI-ANAPHORA: 

a junkie lives trough Hell and survives to tell the story. Suicide and prostitution and heroin and broken hearts and queerness and the death of a partner and a crush on a rehab worker and cupcakes under the red lights of the strip club. Amphetamine, a million pills and methadone mix up with years of goth and kinderwhore scene experience to birth a new identity as a sober person that collides with itself yet somehow manages to crack the old and worn out. Self-hate and pride both dictate the narrative.